Laughter is the best medicine and your bachelor party in Montreal needs all that good medicine too. If you cannot be in Montreal during our “Just for Laughs Festival” in July where the world’s top comedians perform their best acts, you will need some jokes of your own to share. You shouldn’t have to worry about being politically correct when saying some jokes. It’s a bachelor party and not being a little vulgar just won’t cut it. Here is a list of our favorite bachelor party jokes.
Why are bachelors skinny and married guys fat?
Bachelors go to the fridge, don’t see anything they like, and go to bed. Married guys go to bed, don’t see anything they like, and go to the fridge.
Prince Harry’s bachelor party had to be pretty awkward.
He was putting pictures of his grandma in a stripper’s G string.
Why wasn’t Kanye allowed to have a prostitute at his bachelor party?
Because you’re not supposed to see the bride before the wedding
A doctor has sex with a patient
A doctor has sex with a patient. And the guilt is killing him, it goes against the ethics code every doctor swears by.
So, one part of his brain tells him: “don’t worry, you’re not the first guy to sleep with a patient, and you definitely won’t be the last. You’re a bachelor too, it’s fiiiine”
The other part of his brain says: “Bro, you’re a vet”
My friend said he didn’t want anyone to hire strippers for his Bachelor Party
So, I’m getting ones who will do it just for the exposure.
Stripper from the bachelor party
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So, he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.” Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?” She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
Day after a bachelor party… (NSFW)
Three buddies go to a friend’s bachelor party, and the next day they all meet up for lunch. Joe says
“Guys, I was so wasted last night, I got home and tried to fuck the vacuum cleaner. Now I have a giant hickey on my nuts!” The others nod in sympathy. Chris says
“I was so hammered; I went into my neighbor’s house by accident and started punching him because I thought he broke in. I have a court date next week.” The others murmur appreciatively. Pete says
“I was so trashed; I got home and blew chunks. Now my girlfriend won’t talk to me.” The others blink in astonishment.
“Really? Just because you threw up?” Pete shakes his head.
“No, Chunks is my girlfriend’s dog.”
Question: What food reduces a woman’s sex drive by at least 90 percent?
Answer: Wedding cake
What do you call Hitler’s bachelor party?
The Reich-stag!
Why is Jesus a perpetual bachelor?
Because he comes once and never comes back.
Why is the sperm of a bachelor more valuable than the sperm of a married man?
It’s usually hand made.
SKI LODGE
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share the same bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!” The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably he’s had the same dream too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”
AT A WEDDING
A little girl at a wedding asked, “Mommy, why do brides always wear white?” The mom replied, “Because they’re happy, dear.”
Halfway through the wedding the girl whispered, “Mommy, if brides wear white because they’re happy, then why do men wear black?”
ARMED ROBBERY
A bartender is getting ready to close for the night when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun.
“This is a stickup!” He yells. “Put all your dough in a bag!”
“Don’t shoot,” pleads the barkeep. “I’ll do whatever you say!”
The bartender stuffs all the money into a bag and hands it over.
The crook snatches it and then puts the gun to the bartender’s head and says, “All right, now give me a blow job!”
“Anything!” cries the bartender. “Just don’t shoot!”
The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing the guy. After a few minutes, the robber gets so excited he drops his gun.
The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and hands it back to the robber.
“Hold the gun, dammit,” he says. “One of my friends might walk in!”
DADS ADVICE
My dad told me once, son, stay out of strip clubs or you might see something you shouldn’t. So of course, I went, and he was right.
I saw my dad!
A Bear and a Blueberry Walk into a Strip Club
And they both walk towards the same stripper. After a while, the bear turns over to the blueberry and says, “You know what, Richard, you and I are a lot more alike than we seem.” The blueberry says, “How do you figure that, Bob?” and Bob says, “Well, as you can see, we both like our women plump and we both have blue balls!”
The difference between a rich man at a strip club and a poor man at a strip club.
The rich man shows up to spend lots of cash and have a good time.
The poor man is there to take his sister home.
SANTA IS A PERVERT
I bet Santa spends a lot of time at strip clubs
He loves them ho ho ho’s
What’s the Difference between a Casino and a Strip Club?
You actually have a chance of getting screwed at the casino.
A group of pirates walked out of a strip club with disappointed looks on their faces.
They were hoping to find some booty, but all they got were sunken chests.
DADS ADVICE
Dad: When you turn 18, I’m taking you to the strip club.
Teen: Dad, no!!!
Dad: Oh shut up Jessica, it’s time for you to start bringing money to the house.
What’s the first thing you do when the strip club is on fire?
You get the hoes out.
Want to go to the strip club for lunch today?
I hear they have a great spread.
What’s the most commonly played song at a strip club in Iraq?
Baghdad ass up.
Why do Native Americans dance at strip clubs?
They want to make it rain
Why is a buffet like a strip club?
You’ll regret going to a cheap one.
So, I went to the local strip club.
Got a lap dance from a stripper named Cinderella. I thought it was an odd stripper name but then it made sense. Her Dad wasn’t around, didn’t get along with stepmom, and wore see through shoes
QUICK ONE LINERS
Q: What do you call a male strip club?
A: A cockpit.
Q: What do you call a 350-pound stripper?
A: Broke!
Q: What’s the difference between a stripper’s boyfriend and aspirin?
A: Aspirin works.
Q: What does a stripper do with her asshole before work?
A: She drops him off at band practice.
Q: What do you do if your stripper is running around screaming and bleeding in your hotel room?
A: Shoot her again!
Q: How many cops does it take to push a stripper down the stairs?
A: None “She fell”
Q: Why do hunters like strippers?
A: They know a nice rack when they see one.
Q: What does a stripper put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
