The best and the most epic bachelor parties unfortunately need to be remembered by those alone who participated in them. It will be tempting to tell the world about your wild weekend in Montreal, but you might as well be getting the divorce papers ready too.
It’s a bachelor party and there will be plenty of sinning and indulging going on. Like they say in Las Vegas “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas”. When it comes to bachelor parties even if it takes place in Montreal, the party needs the “Vegas” rule applied in full force. Your wife or girlfriend will turn into a state prosecutor before you leave for the trip and afterwards upon your return.
You and the bachelor party need to be ready for the inquisition and how to handle it. Pleading the fifth amendment won’t always cut it and might make you look even more guilty. If you don’t know what the Fifth amendment is, it pains me that a Canadian needs to explain the American Constitution to you. Basically, it means that you won’t incriminate yourself in the court of law, in other words you won’t admit to breaking the law or helping others break the law.
Your bachelor party is a complicated case that you will need to defend wisely. Any slip up can have you or your friends thrown into the doghouse in a jiffy. We decided to provide you with some “legal advice” on how to keep your activities secret and away from sensitive prying eyes.
DIGITAL PAPER TRAIL
In the twentieth century it was easier to hide information and keep secrets a secret. Unless your telephones were being bugged by the FBI or you didn’t burn your notes written on paper you were pretty much safe. Travelling to a foreign city also meant eliminating any familiar witnesses or connections back home.
In the twenty-first century we face a much different reality with digital paper trails that can create instant heartache at the touch of a button. Eliminating your digital paper trail will be crucial in keeping your bachelor party from getting in trouble with ladies back home. Create a new email account that isn’t linked to online storage clouds that can be accessed on other computers or tablets.
We have all heard the horror stories of apple users getting caught sending dirty messages to their secretaries because their apple accounts were synced, and their wives could see all the messages being sent at home. Creating a new email account to handle all messages with us and the rest of the bachelor party helps reduce chances of getting caught discussing how many strippers there needs to be. You can easily delete the email account afterwards eliminating that risk or trail.
Next you need to delete any and all text messages off your phone made during your weekend in Montreal. You don’t want any unwanted eyeballs reading your messages about how sweet the stripper’s boobs were and how soft they felt in your hands. Those messages need to vanish quickly, one way to deal with that is not send any “risky” messages at all. You need to kick it old school and keep memories in your mind and only shared in person among trusted friends.
The same logic applies to pictures which are the most incriminating digital paper trail out there. I wouldn’t take pictures at all if I were you but if you absolutely need to have pictures, create a secure folder. This secure folder needs to be tucked away deep into a bunch of other folders on your cell phone or laptop. Add a different password that your wife or loved one will never guess. Pictures don’t often share context which makes explaining why there is a stripper sitting on the groom’s chest with a little person pouring champagne all over them a difficult task. Eliminating digital traces will help keep you and the boys safe for years to come unless….
WHACK THE RAT
If you have watched enough gangster movies you know that rats are not appreciated and are dealt with in extreme ways. It was really hard to watch the character Big Pussy from HBO’s The Sopranos getting killed by his best friends and having his body dumped into the sea. Tony and his crew loved Big Pussy, but they had to take care of business. You need to show the same amount of fortitude and eliminate the possible rat in your bachelor party.
We are not asking you to shoot, stab or slice away one of your friends who tends to talk too much. Rather, we are asking you not to invite the fucker in the first place. It’s never that simple is it because what happens if the prime suspect is the groom’s best friend that can’t be uninvited. Things get tricky but you can still manage this loose lipped fucker who can’t wait to tell his girlfriend how well behaved he was compared to the dirty perverts with him.
One measure you can try is getting him drunk, really fucking drunk so he doesn’t remember a thing. In fact, this is where a digital paper trail can come in handy. Take pictures of him all fucked him, especially if he is caught in incriminating situations. You can use it as blackmail to keep him from blathering away.
If that isn’t enough consider throwing a fake lame bachelor party and then throwing the real deal. This is a true story because I have had to organize a bachelor party just like that. We knew ahead of time we needed to invite family members who were a little too holier than thou and a couple friends who in the past spilled the beans on some sensitive info.
So, we threw one party at a club where there were no strippers, very little amount of bottle service and no one tried to pick up any girls either. It was more like a regular night out which was great, but the core of the group knew there would be a second party to come. The undesirables were satisfied and had no damning evidence to confess back home either. The real bachelor party excluded them, and our weekends true plans came to fruition in complete safety. Sometimes thinking like a gangster works just don’t kill anybody please!
TELL THEM LIES, SWEET LITTLE LIES
Prepare yourself mentally and physically for the interrogation you are sure to endure upon your arrival back home from Montreal. Like any court case against you, your defence lawyers will prepare you for the witness stand. They will create a mock trial in their conference room, and they will take on the role of the prosecutor and ask you the hard questions you will need to answer.
Prepare yourself like you are going to trial and cover all your angles. Women are intuitive and they will be able to spot inconsistencies in your story. You need to be able to answer the five W’s; who, what, where, when and how? The challenging part in all of this is making sure the whole crew have their stories straight and like I mentioned earlier you can’t plead the fifth on every question either.
If one guy says the wrong thing the whole ship can go down in flames. Bring back safe souvenirs and by safe, I mean fridge magnets, pamphlets, convenient restaurant receipts and group pictures that will help paint a wholesome picture of your trip.
You need to create the benefit of the doubt that you were all well behaved and partying with strippers all weekend long. Deep down inside your loved ones know you are bending the truth, but they won’t mind because ignorance is bliss.